Mythruna
March 28, 2024, 05:21:47 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to the new forums. See "Announcements" for a note for new users.
 
  Home Help Search Login Register  
  Show Posts
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5
16  General Category / General Discussion / Creature Of The Night (Working Title) on: December 17, 2012, 04:39:53 AM
This is my book, I'm posting it up here 'cause A) I'm always looking for new feedback. B) Backlash started it :L
So, anyway, I want criticisms, lots of it. So please read it and tell me what you think.
This is only the first Chapter of eight completed so if ya'll want I have more.

Quote
Creature Of The Night
(Working Title)

Chapter One, 2011
The darkness comforted him. There was next to no light around him as he walked through the alleys connecting the busy city streets. It felt good, the shadows seemed to drape around him as though they were a loose-fitting jacket. The bright daylight so beloved by mankind had always made him feel naked. Exposed. But this was comforting, it calmed him.
A scent caught his nose. The sweet smell of temptation walking down the alleyway in the opposite direction. It wasn’t until he’d picked up that delightful odour that he noticed the sounds she was making. The over-loud clicking of her footsteps on the ground. Her handbag tapping lightly against her waist with each step. The soft clicking of the buttons of her phone as she drunkenly texted whichever lover, friend or family member she thought would be able to decipher the message. She was definitely intoxicated, he could smell the alcohol both on her breath and in her blood. Once she was almost 30 feet away he could even taste her, almost feel his fangs piercing her skin. Then instinct kicked in. His broad, six foot tall form shrank as he crouched. He slowed down and edged into the shadows as he walked.
20 feet away. He could hear her heartbeat now and that only made her more irresistible. It also gave him even more of an advantage. He could hear her tiredness in the slow beating of her heart as it pushed blood through her slim, delicate system. He stopped, hidden in an even darker shadow of the alleyway, and waited.
10 feet away. Her scent, her heartbeat. So strong now it made his mouth water. He forced himself to remain still. He wanted to strike at the exact and most perfect moment. He wanted her to die before she knew what was happening.
5 feet away. Not long now. In a few seconds he could strike. He will strike.
She walked by him. Then, within half a second he made his attack. He moved behind her so fast it was hard to conceive any movement had been involved, he craned his head over her right shoulder until he almost reached her left and then pulled his head back to the right of her neck, slicing open her throat as he did. This lost him some of the delicious crimson liquid he’d been longing for. Thirsting for. But it prevented her from screaming which meant he could drain all of the remainder without being disturbed.
His fangs sank through the flesh of her neck, finding her Carotid Artery with ease. Every sense delighted as he drained her. The unique taste of her specific combination of essential minerals in her life-giving fluids engulfed his taste buds as the metallic aroma that wafted from it stimulated his nasal passage. The sight of the deep red elixir as stray droplets crawled into view, making their path from the twin piercings toward the ground, lightly caressing the contours of her body until they were each absorbed by the low-cut top loosely hanging from her breasts. The rushing of blood through the artery into the hollows of his fangs as it poured from her system to his, taking with it all its nourishment, its hidden strength and even her life. Even the sound. The sound only ears like his could pick up. A fast, strong rushing. Like some spectacular waterfall.
The feeding, unlike the initial strike, took minutes. She struggled at first but with his tight grip on her shoulders keeping her in place coupled with the enormous strength those hands possessed he hardly noticed. His senses were too overwhelmed to care about the light tapping of her fists and feet attacking his body. He didn’t even realise when his grip went from restraining to supporting. When she lost all her energy and died in his hands.
Once she was dry he took a deep breath, savouring the moment, and tossed her to the side. Wiping his mouth as he went he made his way to the end of the alleyway and back onto the unfortunately bright streets of Brighton.
He started walking home, a warm feeling in his cold motionless heart.
17  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Book leave comments be low on: December 17, 2012, 04:21:23 AM
That feedback took an hour to write and got 7 words in response. :L
18  Development / Concepts / Re: Character Stories... on: December 17, 2012, 03:51:04 AM
So, Paul....
Shasour still face down in the sand?
19  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Happy end on: December 17, 2012, 03:47:14 AM
Don't worry, Old Spice is saving the world. ;o
http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/
Laptop is so bad even THAT isn't working. :L
20  Development / Concepts / Re: Character Stories... on: December 16, 2012, 12:37:43 PM
It's a good word.
People need to use it more often. :L
21  Development / Concepts / Re: Skills and training... on: December 16, 2012, 12:34:51 PM
OMFG that'll be cool.
I wanna be able to play some tunes while walking from one place to another :L
22  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Happy end on: December 16, 2012, 12:28:34 PM
Say that in 5 days. :L

I bet all of you £1,000 that the world will NOT end in 5 days.
23  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Suggestions on: December 15, 2012, 09:23:50 AM
Oh, ossm.
24  General Category / Announcements / Re: Do you think this game should: on: December 15, 2012, 08:32:17 AM
Seriously? Remind me not to piss you off :L
25  Development / Concepts / Re: Character Stories... on: December 15, 2012, 08:28:58 AM
Hey, The Speedmeister can read his own forums if he wants.
26  Development / Concepts / Re: Skills and training... on: December 15, 2012, 08:28:19 AM
Would instrument playing be possible as a skill?
27  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Steampunk... portals? on: December 15, 2012, 08:23:57 AM
... This sounds awesome. I'd still like to be able to leave more freely, perhaps Spawn Tower(s) existing in both worlds and acting as free exit portals? Convenient if you don't mind walking forever to escape.
Or perhaps your property flag could do this. If you can find your home's spiritual geographic counterpart you can wake up in your bed with all your possessions as though it was all just a dream.
Could even be a specific piece of furniture that can only be placed inside your home.
28  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Book leave comments be low on: December 15, 2012, 07:54:53 AM
There's a clear amount of potential, particularly in your creativity. I feel the main thing you should focus on would be in your descriptions and detail. The story seems to progress very quickly in only a few lines and it makes it hard to get an idea of the passage of time and I found it hard to immerse myself in the story as I couldn't really picture what was around. I'd suggest putting more description in. For example:
THEY were all floating off the ground and about to attack Maxwell for revenge.
You could describe the ground below them, their relative locations against Maxwell, the positions they're in, how the experience of floating feels to them considering this is all new, the depth of their feeling of vengeance toward Maxwell, how Maxwell feels being confronted by them (Is he scared? Shocked? Surprised? Eager to fight them?), etcetera, etcetera.
With a bit of work you could turn this sentence into a longer, more descriptive one; or you could turn it into multiple sentences; or even a whole paragraph and, by doing so, you could engage the reader a lot more and make you story a lot more real for them.

Also, never underestimate the power of detail, particularly the the senses.
Raxron called, "Henchmen!" Three trolls appeared in front of their eyes and three smaller dogs similar to Holy, but different in some ways came soon after.
What do the trolls look like? What do they smell like? Are the dogs snarling? Are they bearing sharp yellow teeth that dripped with saliva as they anticipated biting into the flesh of their opponents?

If you're interested I actually have an example from my own book I'm writing about vampires that I think would be a good demonstration of heavy detail and senses?

I'd also like to say that it can be very hard to take criticism at times and I've probably said quite a bit here that may be a bit disparaging. I hope I haven't offended or insulted you as I am only trying to help. It can take a LOT of editing to bring an idea up to scratch sometimes and the best writers have entire teams of editors to pick up where they've fallen short of perfection. One of the most difficult things to do is describe a completed scene in your head in the very limited words of the English Language.
29  General Category / General Discussion / Re: [Game] Count to 50 before Paul sees this! on: December 12, 2012, 05:14:27 AM
♀♪☺☻♥♦♣♠•◘○◙♀♪♫☼►‼↕◄
Yay, ASCIIs!
30  General Category / General Discussion / Re: Suggestions on: December 12, 2012, 05:08:22 AM
What would be quite cool would be if when you died in Mythruna you went to your location in another plane of existence that has the same maps and terrain as the Physical world but with no people, buildings, trees or anything, and the only buildings would be spawn towers and properties you own in the Physical World and you had to find a tower or one of your homes to respawn.
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 5
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.20 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!