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Author Topic: Book leave comments be low  (Read 8733 times)
Blackslash
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« on: November 20, 2012, 02:04:37 PM »

 THE STONES OF POWER





BOOK 1





THE STONE BATTLERS RISE






Chapter 1: The STONE is discovered   

A black cloaked man floating at the atmosphere of the Earth was forming five magical bracelets made of pure antonium and ranktor crystal. It was easy to notice how special it was. He casted a spell called animalishspectrumertus. When he'd finished, he dropped them down to earth.

*  *  *

    At exactly that time, a young boy around the age of nine named Rith Krox was in his car driving home. He was tall with curly black hair. All of a sudden, there was a loud sound of CLING.
   He said, "Dad there is something out there."
   His dad, Richard, pulled over and grabbed the the object. It was the bracelet! It sparkled in the moonlight.
   Then Mr. Krox said, "This is like nothing I've ever seen. It must be valuable. But who cares? We might as well leave it here."
             Rith didn't listen. He secretly took the bracelet, as he took it shrunk into a ring. He stuck it into his pocket and hopped back into the car. The family soon arrived back at their house.
    His house was a small white mansion. Rith's mother, Amanda, greeted his father and took him back to the house. Rith washed up and went into his room to inspect the ring. He then thought, It was cooler as a bracelet. All of a sudden, the ring turned into a bracelet right in Rith's hand!
   He was then admiring the metal, for in each millimeter, there was a different color giving its glare a rainbow color. As he examined it, he soon saw a white wolf-like creature inside.
   All of a sudden, he had a vision of the wolf in a fantastic gem. He then thought, What an amazing gem.
   As soon as he thought about the gem, the bracelet was a now a gem where he could make out a giant white wolf with gold armor just like in his vision.
   
*  *  *

     That night he had a dream. In his dream all he could see were blobs slowly changing color. Soon, the white wolf emerged out of a blob and spoke in Rith's mind, "I'm your first spirit animal or Beast. I shall train you, I'll teach all you need to know for now. First, to release me simply hold out the stone and call my name 'Holy!' Try now!"
     Holy soon went out of Rith's spirit Stone with a streak of light. Rith took his gem out of his pocket and yelled "Holy!" There was a flash of light and Holy appeared right in front of Rith.
    "Rith, when we go into battle you shall command me with five simple commands. They are move in a specific direction, defend, attack, counter, and dodge. These are the main keys to winning a battle."
   Then, Holy started telling Rith about old battles and stratiges. Some might think they would be boring, but Rith thought they were interesting and cool, but they were all soon over.
   "Goodbye, now," whispered Holy as he disappeared. Rith's dream slowly faded away.
   
*  *  *

          He woke up. It was Saturday morning and (of course) he was in his bed. It was strange because he had the Stone in his hand and it now had the image of the colorful blobs from his dream. Rith soon heard his mom call, "Rith, breakfast is ready!"
         "Okay!" Rith replied. He grabbed the Stone and when he did, it turned into a ring. He then slipped on his clothes and ate his bacon and eggs. After that, his dad called, "Rith, we have to go somewhere in the car!"
    "Where are we going?" asked Rith.
   "I'll surprise you."
   He liked surprises so he ran to the car. He put his seatbelt on and VROOM! they were off.

*  *  *

They arrived at some school school where Irsa Drennings, Rith’s best friend, greeted Rith. She had long auburn hair. A few moments later, Rith noticed the bracelet, or more properly ring, was also on his friend hand.
   "Where'd you get that?" asked Rith, indicating to the ring.
   "You'd never believe me," replied Irsa.
   "Try me."
   "Fine," sighed Irsa. "It fell out of the sky. That night, in a dream, I met a black regal pegasas named Midnight. She told me about glorious battles." Then she noticed Rith had the same ring and gasped.
   Rith smiled. "I got it the same way as you, but my beast was a wolf named Holy. I wonder if anyone else got a Stone.
   Just then, their school's bully Maxwell Broot walked up to them. He was big and had spiky blond hair. Why was he here? His parents went to jail last month, so he was more upset than usual.
   "'Sup, nerds. You betta gimme your lunch money or else."
   Isra and Rith refused. "Wrong answer," snapped Max and he pulled a Stone out of his pocket. The Stone looked just like Rith's Stone did, but bigger! Rith and Irsa both gasped.
   "Spear!" Max called. A flying serpent emerged out of the Stone. Spear looked like he would attack Irsa and Rith.
   "Holy!" called Rith.
   "Midnight!" called Irsa.
   You could feel time freeze as the twins Nora and Nathan Krash came out. Nora was small and had long, spiky black hair. Nate, on the other hand, was tall and had long golden brown hair. They too had Stones. Nora called, "Storm!" Then, Nate called, "Thunder!"
   Thunder was a huge dragon-like frog made of pure electricity and Storm was a giant salamander made of water with electric power inside of it.
   Then, girl named Flora Clark, who was thin and had dark brown hair that always had leaves, or vines, or something, just jumped off the playground. She pulled a Stone out of her pocket and yelled, "Treebark!"
   A giant treeant came out of the ground. It had mushrooms all over it.
   They all yelled, "Max you have bullied us for to long!"
   And the First Battle begins.
   






chapter 2: Raxron

THEY were all floating off the ground and about to attack Maxwell for revenge. Though Somehow, all of them were telepathically figuring out everyone's attacks.
   As they were battling, they heard a voice. "Good job young Stone Battlers," it said.  It was the blacked cloaked man who created the Stones.
   "My name is Raxron. I created the Stones. Now let's start the Game."
   "What game?" asked the Five in unison.
   Time then froze and the Beasts could talk. Altogether, they explained, "The Game is like chess, except you must protect yourself using your magical powers. It will be your training."
   "What 'magical powers'?" Flora asked.
   "Good question, Flora," said Treebark calmly. "Raxron, our old master, has chosen each of you. You have the potential to be heroes."
   Maxwell looked surprised. "But I'm a bully! My parents are in jail! Why me?"
   "At least he finally realizes he's a bully. That's a start," muttered Nate to Nora.
   Apparently, Maxwell, heard that. "Shut your face," he snapped. Nate put his hands up in surrender.
   "You may be a bully now," answered Spear, "but you will later have to make a choice. That is all I can tell you." 
   "You have received your magical powers from Raxron," Treebark continued. "Any other questions?"
   "I'm just confused why all the people with Stones are here," wondered Rith. "What is this place, anyway?"
   "And where'd our parents go?" piped up Irsa.
   Holy and Midnight both smiled. "This will be your base. Mortals can't see it."
   "But aren't we mortals?" asked Nora.
   "Not anymore, now that you have your powers. You are no longer mortals and you can't be easily damaged anymore by mortal weapons," replied Holy.
   "We still don't know what this place is or where our parents are," Rith. reminded the Beasts
   "Wait a second," Flora thought aloud, "Max here. Your parents are in jail. How did you get here?"
   "I rode on Spear and he brought me here."
   "Oh."
   "Your parents are outside. They know what your doing. They allowed you to be here. They think you are ready for this. But they swore not to tell anyone," said Midnight. "And for you're other question, this place is an old school-"
   "Duh…" muttered Flora.
   "-but it's a magic shool. It's called the Battles Magical Academy. Or BMA for short," continued Midnight.
             "Now let's get to work," Rith said, as usual, taking charge. Holy agreed that Rith should be leader. 
   "Now, everyone, get in a good position that you think will channel magic," instructed Raxron.
   When everyone got into position, they felt a burst of power going through their veins and focusing into their hands.
   "Don't lose focus just because you have succesfully made your Projectile. Now try to focus it  on to this target," taught Spear indicating to a dummy. He was surprised that no one could focus on it. "Well, I guess that's okay. So, next, everyone pick a weapon. Depending on which weapon you use, it will determine how we teach you. In other words, your Class." Storm and Thunder then brought out some weapons.
   "Rith, you first," said Thunder gruffly. Rith picked a double edged spear.
   "You are a Warrior!" the Beasts called with excitement.
   "Irsa's next," said Midnight. Irsa picked a long purple staff.
   "You are a Sorceress!"
   "Max, you're up," said Spear. Maxwell picked a long broadsword.
   "Another Warrior!"
   "Nate, Nora, your turn," said Storm. Nate picked two knives. Nora picked throwing stars.
   "You are Rouges!"
   "Last, but not least, Flora," said Treebark. She picked a small wand with vines on top.
   "You are a Healer!"
   "Okay," said Raxron, "you have received your Classes. Now, it's time to start the Game."
   A giant chess-like board soon appeared. The only difference was it was a four-by-eight chess board instead of a normal eight-by-eight chess board.
   "Rith and Irsa, you will go first," told Raxron. "Your Beasts will be in front of you. You control them with the commands they gave you in your dreams. You may move only one space at a time. When you get to an enemy, you may attack when your Beast does. Remember, use the five commands."
   The blurry blobs that they all saw in their dreams the world seemed to fade out of the universe. They all saw the Raxron on a throne. He greeted them with a loud, "Welcome, Stone Battlers."    
   He snapped his fingers and the Game Board appaered where they were standing. Raxron called, "Henchmen!" Three trolls appeared in front of their eyes and three smaller dogs similar to Holy, but different in some ways came soon after.
   "Let the games begin!" Raxron yelled.
   




chapter 3: the game

            The trolls all got on the wolves. Next was Rith's turn. He jumped onto Holy, but he slipped off. Holy helped him up and said, "It's okay, Rith. You just need some practice."
   Rith, feeling embarrassed, nodded. He jumped back on Holy and this time, he didn't fall of. "Success!" he yelled. Irsa jumped up on Midnight and commanded the same thing for her.    
   Rith comanded "Everyone full scale attack exept Flora. Heal us. And Treebark, guard Flora while she's healing."
   And the Stone Battlers moved forward. It went on full war once they reached each other. The blobs dissapeared and turned into a battlefield, and there clothes dissapeared there clothes turned into clothes matching there class the warriors felt a strength increasing in them and Irsa felt an energy strengthen. Nate and Nora became faster and Flora felt one with the world while they were floating, absorbing there abilites.
   A troll picked up a boulder and threw it right on to Rith. Everyone yelled, "RITH!", all of a sudden the ground shook. Rith held the boulder and threw it, with all his might and threw it twice as high as the troll. The boulder hit the troll in the head with a loud 'CRACK!'.
   Raxron yelled "well done young stone keepers"
   Rith interupted "Hey Raxron you nearly killed me"
   A deeper voice emerged "ohhh... so you honestly think i'm like little perfect brother Raxron"
   there was a pause "but noo..  i'm not "
   they saw another man float in "Aserthis" Raxron screamed
   Aserthis grabbed a wand "thats right brother"
    a streak of lightning came out of the wand Holy yelled  "Pitch" Holy and Pitch got into a full combat Holy yelled "Run Rith i'll be okay Holy was being consumed in darkness until you could only see a large sphere in Pitch's stomach. Soon, Treebark yelled "we must go now!"
   With Rith sobbing, watching, and starring as he ran and looked at Pitch, Treebark opened a portal and everyone ran through as quickly as there legs could carry them.
   



   Chapter 4:Weapon Sumoning
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blackslash~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nobody is perfect therefore I am nobody
Michael
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« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2012, 03:49:51 PM »

Great story, but i didn't read all of it Smiley
There are some corrections to be made, i found i think 3, i forget where they are. Keep up the good work! I expect that would be a good book, maybe if you are lucky it would be published. I used to make a book, but after 2 laptops i went through (they were from 2000, gave to us) I just quit.
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FutureB
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« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2012, 04:05:32 PM »

Its a good story blackslash im just not quite sure why you gave it to us, i guess your just wanting some other peoples opinions Tongue i liked it, you distracted me from studying so it must of been quite good hehehe
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Michael
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« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2012, 04:41:18 PM »

i love stories like these..
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Blackslash
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« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2012, 06:31:32 PM »

i just thought it would be nice
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blackslash~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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BenKenobiWan
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« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2012, 09:41:49 PM »

They lived in a small, white mansion? That sounds like a bit of a contradiction.
When Rith frees the wolf it sounds a bit like a video game.
When all the kids unleash their creatures it sounds like Pokémon.
In general, it seems to be of very inconsistent quality.

However: in many places you show potential as a writer. If you continue to learn and practice, even if it's not your main goal (being a writer), you'll be quite good!
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Blackslash
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« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2012, 10:23:51 PM »

They lived in a small, white mansion? That sounds like a bit of a contradiction.
When Rith frees the wolf it sounds a bit like a video game.
When all the kids unleash their creatures it sounds like Pokémon.
In general, it seems to be of very inconsistent quality.

However: in many places you show potential as a writer. If you continue to learn and practice, even if it's not your main goal (being a writer), you'll be quite good!
Thanks
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Nobody is perfect therefore I am nobody
JKybett
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« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2012, 07:54:53 AM »

There's a clear amount of potential, particularly in your creativity. I feel the main thing you should focus on would be in your descriptions and detail. The story seems to progress very quickly in only a few lines and it makes it hard to get an idea of the passage of time and I found it hard to immerse myself in the story as I couldn't really picture what was around. I'd suggest putting more description in. For example:
THEY were all floating off the ground and about to attack Maxwell for revenge.
You could describe the ground below them, their relative locations against Maxwell, the positions they're in, how the experience of floating feels to them considering this is all new, the depth of their feeling of vengeance toward Maxwell, how Maxwell feels being confronted by them (Is he scared? Shocked? Surprised? Eager to fight them?), etcetera, etcetera.
With a bit of work you could turn this sentence into a longer, more descriptive one; or you could turn it into multiple sentences; or even a whole paragraph and, by doing so, you could engage the reader a lot more and make you story a lot more real for them.

Also, never underestimate the power of detail, particularly the the senses.
Raxron called, "Henchmen!" Three trolls appeared in front of their eyes and three smaller dogs similar to Holy, but different in some ways came soon after.
What do the trolls look like? What do they smell like? Are the dogs snarling? Are they bearing sharp yellow teeth that dripped with saliva as they anticipated biting into the flesh of their opponents?

If you're interested I actually have an example from my own book I'm writing about vampires that I think would be a good demonstration of heavy detail and senses?

I'd also like to say that it can be very hard to take criticism at times and I've probably said quite a bit here that may be a bit disparaging. I hope I haven't offended or insulted you as I am only trying to help. It can take a LOT of editing to bring an idea up to scratch sometimes and the best writers have entire teams of editors to pick up where they've fallen short of perfection. One of the most difficult things to do is describe a completed scene in your head in the very limited words of the English Language.
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Blackslash
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« Reply #8 on: December 16, 2012, 05:57:01 PM »

There's a clear amount of potential, particularly in your creativity. I feel the main thing you should focus on would be in your descriptions and detail. The story seems to progress very quickly in only a few lines and it makes it hard to get an idea of the passage of time and I found it hard to immerse myself in the story as I couldn't really picture what was around. I'd suggest putting more description in. For example:
THEY were all floating off the ground and about to attack Maxwell for revenge.
You could describe the ground below them, their relative locations against Maxwell, the positions they're in, how the experience of floating feels to them considering this is all new, the depth of their feeling of vengeance toward Maxwell, how Maxwell feels being confronted by them (Is he scared? Shocked? Surprised? Eager to fight them?), etcetera, etcetera.
With a bit of work you could turn this sentence into a longer, more descriptive one; or you could turn it into multiple sentences; or even a whole paragraph and, by doing so, you could engage the reader a lot more and make you story a lot more real for them.

Also, never underestimate the power of detail, particularly the the senses.
Raxron called, "Henchmen!" Three trolls appeared in front of their eyes and three smaller dogs similar to Holy, but different in some ways came soon after.
What do the trolls look like? What do they smell like? Are the dogs snarling? Are they bearing sharp yellow teeth that dripped with saliva as they anticipated biting into the flesh of their opponents?

If you're interested I actually have an example from my own book I'm writing about vampires that I think would be a good demonstration of heavy detail and senses?

I'd also like to say that it can be very hard to take criticism at times and I've probably said quite a bit here that may be a bit disparaging. I hope I haven't offended or insulted you as I am only trying to help. It can take a LOT of editing to bring an idea up to scratch sometimes and the best writers have entire teams of editors to pick up where they've fallen short of perfection. One of the most difficult things to do is describe a completed scene in your head in the very limited words of the English Language.


Thanks

Ill consider

Ill consider

i understand
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blackslash~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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JKybett
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« Reply #9 on: December 17, 2012, 04:21:23 AM »

That feedback took an hour to write and got 7 words in response. :L
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Sean
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« Reply #10 on: December 17, 2012, 08:42:54 AM »

problem?
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JKybett
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« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2012, 06:27:48 PM »

Nah, just funny :L
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